I never remember jokes, so I took to marking good ones as ‘favourites’ on Twitter. I think this will be a better repository for them. A work in progress…suggestions welcome in the comments 
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
The shortest joke in the world (according to Jimmy Carr): “Venison’s dear, isn’t it?”.
My uncle won a lifetime’s supply of chocolate once. He ate the whole lot in one afternoon. And then died, obviously. (via @sixthformpoet)
Middle-aged cheese-makers insist that a couple of gruyeres make them look distinguished. (via @sixthformpoet)
Just kicked a lisping girl out of a youth hostel. Another myth debunked. (via @hahildebrand)
Sadly, the French couldn’t organise a piste up in Abrouèrie. It doesn’t snow that far north. (via @sixthformpoet)
Alan Machnik asked his Twitter followers to give him things to joke about, here are two gems…
- ‘Weather’: If you think the weather is bad just now, wait until the fish take over – it’ll be piscine reign.
- ‘Chelsea Flower Show’: Michael J Fox likes all the flowers at the Flower show, but always ends up going back to the Fuschia.
Having an interest in antiques doesn’t make you gay, but it might make you buy curios. (via Henry James Baulch)
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until its bill withers. (via @mcsleazy)
I knew a French chef who killed himself. In his suicide note he said he’d lost the huille d’olive. (via Donna Tilling)
Grumpy drivers travel at Hmph. (via Richard Kirby)
You don’t need training to become a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along. (via @ITamusedME)
Sir Clement Freud… (via Mike Morris)
RT @paulkerensa: I bet you want to know what I just found in my wardrobe, don’t you? Well it’s narnia business.
Prostitute goes up to an old man and says ‘I can give you super sex’. He replies ‘I’ll take the soup’. (via @Twistedlilkitty)
My friend Jane told me last night she has started drinking brake fluid. She reckons she can stop any time, though. (via @darraghdoyle)
I’ve been seeing someone behind my girlfriend’s back. I think she’s got a stalker. (via @darraghdoyle)
You know what’s weird about a milkman’s feet? They lactose. (via @thesophie)
It wasn’t too difficult getting the white stringy bit of the orange from between my teeth. In fact it was a piece of pith. (via @darraghdoyle)
RT @kenarmstrong1 E.T. 2:The phonebill #unseensequels
Lollipops are for suckers. Tea is for mugs. (via @darraghdoyle)
